a few weeks ago, i was flossing, and i pulled out a filling. I KNOW, RIGHT? pandemonium ensued and i starred in a whole motherfucking episode. i mean i didn’t know that it was a filling, i thought i might have cracked a tooth or something. i found a dentist and got a temporary filling and an appointment for a cleaning and a new filling.
as i left, the Ned Flandersy doctor asked if there was anything they could do to make me more comfortable next time, and i was like “um, no, i think i can handle it.” "we can give you nitrous if you need it." “well i’ll keep that in mind.”
today, after the cleaning was done and i was being prepped for the dentist, she asked if i wanted the gas, and i paused because in the past it hasn’t done anything for me so i definitely didn’t want to pay for it. i didn’t need it, i wasn’t nervous, my blood pressure was 111/62. and THEN she said “there’s no additional cost,” so i was like slap that bitch on me, what are you waiting for?
they were clearly pushing the gas.
after a couple of minutes, my hands became a little numb, and i asked “how do i know it’s working?” knowing full well exactly how i would know and that it was, in fact, working. then i started laughing randomly, and i laughed because i realized why it was called laughing gas. and then i thought to myself, “holy shit, i’m good at drugs!” and then i laughed hysterically because i thought, “holy shit! that is exactly the type of thing a crackhead would say!”
she said, “right now you should feel like you’ve had a beer. let me know when you feel like you’ve had two.” i said, “i’d rather measure in margaritas, so you can crank that bitch up to an 11.” and then we both laughed because that shit was hysterical.
it took about 30 seconds to determine the best breathing pattern for maximum intake. i was pretty sure she was going to take off the nose mask any minute, because i was clearly inebriated and in the past, i’ve only gotten it for a few minutes before any procedure, so i wanted as much as i could get. but nope, they left it on my face pumping gas for all 9 innings. i was wearing it for well over a glorious fucking hour.
the dr came in with the drill and needles and i was like, fuck it, drill my teeth, molest me, take a fucking kidney, i don’t give two shits what you do. they said they like their patients relaxed.